Anti-dildo ordinance!

As I get older, I find myself becoming ever more the conspiracy theorist. I can view the seemingly mundane, and transform it into the utterly sinister. For example, the newest City of Dallas parking ordinance.

At first blush, I realize this may not seem to be the most scintillating of topics. Perhaps if I were finding fault with some "anti-dildo ordinance" I might be more inclined to attract your attention. Sadly, no such ordinance exists. Actually, dildos (or, rather, the sale thereof) are criminalized by a ridiculous section of the Texas Penal Code known as "obscenity," but this is a topic for another day.

So you're stuck reading about this parking thing I've yet to describe. That is, unless you've already decided to wait for "dildo day" and are off making preparations. For those of you who remain, here's the skinny:

On August 14th, a new ordinance went into effect in the City of Dallas which prohibits a person from parking at a metered space for longer than the maximum time allowed. For example, let's say I park at a meter with a max time of 2 hours. I pay for my 2 hours, which then expire. Before the ordinance, I could simply pay for another 2 hours (or however long I might think I'd like to stay) without having to move my car. All that's in the past. Now, after the initial 2 hours lapse, I'm required to move my car. Even if I'm willing to PAY FOR THE NEXT TWO HOURS. If I don't, my car can be ticketed, or even towed! And if you're physically challenged, I have even worse news.

If you're like me, an aging conspiracy theorist, you may be asking yourself "why would the city pass such an ordinance?" Why would they turn away money, rather than collect it? According to "Agenda Item #48," which was filed on June 11th for consideration by the city council:

"Currently, vehicles displaying disabled placards or disabled license plates... are parking all day at short-term meters, thus eliminating parking turnover at short-term meters for retail and business patrons. In order for the City to successfully revive the Central Business District, it is essential to prohibit long-term parking along streets in areas supported by surface retail, restaurants, and businesses."

So, the official position on the part of the city is to "revitalize the Central Business District." And, by the way, screw you if you're physically challenged and park at a metered space. Because if you are, and you need to be downtown for more than two hours, you'll be required to move your vehicle or risk being fined by the city. How revitalizing!

Never mind that long-term paid lots exist, in abundance, throughout downtown. When I go to city court in Dallas, I park in a long-term lot at which, frequently, I'm one of only 2 or 3 cars in the lot. A lot that has room for probably 60 cars. Which is a good thing if you're physically challenged. You'll need to know where this lot is. Because, even though it's a couple of blocks from the courthouse (unlike many of the metered spaces that surround it), you're going to be wheeling yourself back and forth to avoid being labeled a scofflaw. And being fined. And, potentially, even having your car towed. Which can be very inconvenient, especially if you're in a wheelchair.

Of course, as with most issues of city government, this ordinance is about raising revenue for the city. I told you: I'm an aging conspiracy theorist. According to city records, there were 173,589 parking citations issued between July 1, 2005 and June 30, 2006. As a result, the city collected $8.62 million dollars in revenue. Now, the city has created an offense which, of course, will only increase that dollar amount.

Did I mention that the physically challenged are exempt from having to pay for metered parking? Of course, under the new ordinance, they're less likely to park there. They'll be more inclined to end up at long-term (and far less accessible) parking lots. Which, in turn, opens up these metered parking spaces to the rest of us that have to pay for them. All of which leads me to believe that dildo day may well have been August 14th.